


Confession

by ElentariR



Series: Getting Back to Myself [14]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 07:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13095132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElentariR/pseuds/ElentariR
Summary: After twenty-three years, Bucky has a confession that must be made.





	Confession

**Author's Note:**

> It always bothered me that no one told Tony what happened to his parents. This was a killer to write (no poor pun intended). The amount of emotional trauma Bucky (and Steve...and all the Avengers, really) have is staggering to me, the more I delve into writing. Yes, Bucky is making progress - but the journey is a rough one and unfortunately cannot be made overnight.

“Hey, Buc…” Steve froze mid-greeting. “Are you knitting?”

  
Bucky swore under his breath. “Yeah, now shut up. I was counting.” He started again, pleased at the end that he had exactly the right amount of stitches.

  
Steve slowly moved towards the couch and lowered himself down, eyes never leaving his friend. He waited until Bucky lowered the needles before speaking. He gestured to the project, “So, uh, knitting? That’s new.”

  
Bucky shrugged. “Yeah.” Noelle’s mom had taught him on their last visit. He found that it helped him focus – a way to channel his energy in a productive manner. The irritation, the pent-up anxiety, they were still there, brewing, under his skin, but he felt more in control.

  
“It looks…” Steve frowned. “What are you making?”

  
Bucky held up the needle, fluffy bubblegum pink yarn hanging down. “It’s a hat for Avery. Noelle’s niece.” He rotated the project, eyeing it critically. It didn’t look half bad. He smiled to himself.

  
“It’s cute.”

  
Bucky hitched a shoulder and continued knitting.

  
“Tony’s having a rough time.” Steve said quietly. Bucky froze for a moment, jaw clenched. Tony wasn’t the only one. “Twenty-three years ago...” Steve sighed and shook his head.

  
Bucky knew exactly how long ago it was. There were many things he wished he could forget – Howard and Maria Stark’s deaths ranked high on that list. Guilt roiled in his stomach. He forced himself to resume knitting, his stitches more slow and deliberate. He couldn’t look at Steve.

  
“It was the Soldier, wasn’t it?”

  
Bucky closed his eyes at Steve’s soft statement. There was no judgment in his voice, only calm acceptance. Bucky didn’t realize his hands began to tremble, so focused on his breath.

  
“That wasn’t you, Bucky. You didn’t have a choice. You’re not responsible.”

  
Steve always said the same thing. Bucky believed him, too – on his good nights, on the nights where Noelle’s touch could calm the demons inside and make him see himself clearly. But many nights – more nights than Bucky liked – Bucky struggled to believe Steve, struggled to believe Noelle. He may have left the war, but the war hadn’t left him.

  
Tonight, Bucky didn’t believe Steve. Whether he had a choice or not, he still did those things. Blood still dripped from his hands. Worse still, he could _feel_ his own apathy when he committed those atrocities. He could _feel_ the life drain from his victims. He could _see_ the fear in their eyes. He could _hear_ their pleas. He could _smell_ the stench of death. It was all still so vivid.

  
But it was Howard and Maria’s deaths that he remembered clearest of all. Theirs was the death that haunted him most.

  
“He doesn’t know who he’s letting live in his home.” Bucky muttered. He chuckled darkly and shook his head. “If he knew...”

  
“Tony would understand.” Steve was quick to say.

  
Bucky looked at Steve then, disapproving. “Really. Steve, I killed his parents. That’s not something you just...” he waived his hand. “You don’t just accept it and everything’s fine.”

  
“Maybe not.” Steve pursed his lips. “He’ll be angry, sure. But he would come around. He’s not a bad guy.”

  
“I know he’s not.” Tony was many things (many of them irritating), but he was a good man at the heart of it. “But...” Bucky shook his head.

  
“You’re worried about Noelle and Steven.” Steve was perceptive.

  
“Wouldn’t you be?”

  
Steve allowed the truth of it. “He’s not heartless. Besides, her brother-in-law seems to have a good operation going, and I’m sure Natasha has places for them. But Tony won’t kick ‘em out. You know that.”

  
Bucky tossed his knitting aside. He sighed, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head between his arms. Noelle and Steven deserved better than a broken man.

  
“Come on, Buck. You know that’s not true.” Steve lightly shoved Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky hadn’t realized he had spoken his musings aloud. “The kid adores you and Noelle… Only an idiot could miss how much she loves you.” Yeah, well, he didn’t deserve them.

  
Bucky sighed. He had to tell Tony the truth. It’s what Noelle would tell him to do. The man deserved that much.

  
And Bucky deserved whatever came after.

  
Noelle and Steven didn’t.

  
“Promise me,”

  
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Steve cut Bucky off.

  
“ _Promise_ me,” Bucky said forcefully. “That you’ll look out for them if things go bad.”

  
“It won’t come to that.”

  
“Promise me, Steve.” Bucky pinned Steve with his eyes. “I hope to God it doesn’t, but I need you to promise.”

  
Steve sighed and shook his head. “You don’t even have to ask. I’d do it anyway. But I promise. I’ll look out for them.”

  
Bucky exhaled, some weight off his shoulders. “Thank you.” He stood up, Steve following suit.

  
“You gonna do it now?”

  
“Any time is a bad a time as any.” He didn’t trust himself if he delayed.

  
“I’ll be here.” Steve clapped Bucky’s shoulder.

  
Bucky rolled his eyes. “No, you’ll be following me, just in case. You can’t fool me.”

  
Steve shrugged. He protected his friends, although he did not always succeed in his attempts at subtlety. “I’m with you til the end of the line.”

 

0

 

It was the hardest thing he had ever done – even more difficult than baring himself to Noelle. Admitting his sin to the victim…. That was another level of hell entirely.

  
He couldn’t help the tears that had strangled his admission.

  
He hadn’t struggled when hands choked him, angry and hurting.

  
He hadn’t defended himself when Tony railed against him with words or fists.

  
He hadn’t offered platitudes, only sincere, hollow apologies.

  
Steve pulled Tony off of Bucky, in the end, when blackness dulled the edges of Bucky’s vision.

  
Noelle gently ministered to Bucky in silence, allowing him his grief. Her fingers ghosted on his neck, face, and bared torso, wiping away blood and cleaning cuts.

  
“Did Steve tell you?” The voice was hoarse and empty. After a minute it registered that the voice was his own.

  
“No,” Noelle murmured. “Steve didn’t say anything. Tony, though… He was quite vocal.”

  
Bucky’s breath was ragged. “You must hate me now.”

  
“Why would I hate you?” Noelle settled beside Bucky, their arms brushing. “I’ve never hated you. Could never hate you, sweetheart.”

  
“I killed his parents. They were my friends. And I...I...”

  
Noelle squeezed his hand. “Was not in control of your mind. You were not you.”

  
Bucky remained silent.

  
Noelle took a moment to gather her thoughts. “You’ve always been honest with me. And I appreciate that, more than I can express. I know that you don’t always share everything. I know that there are things you can’t share and probably will never share. I accept that and although I can never understand, I respect it. But you’ve always been honest about yourself. Knowing who...” She licked her lips. “It doesn’t change the way I feel about you. It doesn’t change the way I see you.” She gave him a small smile. “And it won’t change the way Steven looks at you, if he knew.”  
Bucky took a shuddering breath.

  
“You’re not a monster.” Noelle whispered into his ear. “And I love you.”

  
Bucky could not control the tears that flowed at her words.

  
“We’ll get through this together.”

  
He was not worthy of his angel by half.


End file.
